Every semester in my developmental psychology classes, I get to reflect on adolescence again. I know, most of us would not want to go back there, but it really is a most amazing, vibrant, confusing, and emotional time of life. Dr. Dan Siegel (www.drdansiegel.com) one of my ‘gurus’s’, calls it a necessary time of cortical integration to prepare us to leave home. He also uses an acronym to describe it – the ESSENCE of adolescence, meaning emotional spark (ES), social engagement (SE), novelty (N) and creative exploration (CE). As we are figuring out our multiple aspects of our identity, it seems like adolescence is a time when we become more real. When I first read the Velveteen Rabbit in college, it hit me so deeply. Was I my real self? When do we become real? Is it more real to fit in, or is it more real when we stop fitting in and finally fit out?
When I think back to adolescence and emerging adulthood, I wonder why did I spend so much time trying to fit in? Instead, why couldn’t I just fit out?
I spent a lot of those years trying to fit in, trying to find my place. I loved sports and was passionate about playing and competing. Fortunately, sports gave me a place to fit in. I felt a sense of belonging on my teams, during practices and games. It was weird, that I could feel so strong, confident, and competent one moment, but when I wasn’t playing, I felt so awkward and insecure. Who was I then?
At that time, I did not know how to deal with my ‘edges,’ or the places and parts of myself that I was discovering where I felt different from others. So instead, I spent a lot of time trying to dull my edges, to try to fit in. I spent a lot of time worrying about being liked, wanting to be ‘cool,’ wondering who I was in the world, fretting about social dynamics, romantic issues, or other collective angsty things for which “fitting in” is an apt proxy.
In college, I still worried about fitting in. I cared a lot about being liked, and about making people happy. Being an athlete was such a large part of my identity and I wanted to latch on to that one sure part of myself that I knew and trusted. I was still trying to fold in the edges that felt awkward or different, because I wasn’t self-aware enough, or did not yet have enough courage to be vulnerable.
Exploring and navigating the multiple facets of our identity can be complex and hard. As an adolescent and emerging adult, I kept looking for places where my edges would fit in, or my differences would disappear, or sub-consciously finding ways that I could bend or fold my edges in so they were not visible to others.
Why do we try to hide our edges, and dull our differences, when our edges are really what makes us stand out?? Our differences are what make us who we are!
Rather than fit in with others, what about just fitting in with myself? Or would that be fitting out? What about fitting out of the crowd, standing alone and just being okay with that? When we fit out, isn’t that when we really find our place and connect with folks who truly understand us?
When I look back on this time, I wished I had the courage to fit out, and honor the parts of myself that were different. In the Velveteen Rabbit, real isn’t how you are made, it’s a thing that happens to you. Maybe real is what happens when we learn to appreciate and honor our differences enough to fit out.
